Parenting and Self-Love

By Martha Ginsberg - guest author

Have you ever paused during a quiet moment and wondered how you ended up with the family you were born into? Not with resentment or blame, but simple curiosity—imagining how life might have unfolded if your parents had been different. It’s a harmless question, more of a mental exploration than a judgment.

I’ve asked myself that question countless times throughout my life. As children, we naturally look up to our parents. We believe they love us and will protect and guide us—at least, that’s how it’s supposed to be. Sadly, many children grow up without receiving the love, care, or respect they truly deserve, and that reality often goes unnoticed until much later.

As we enter adolescence, the dynamic with our parents begins to shift. Conversations turn into disagreements, and misunderstandings become more frequent. We start forming our own identities, values, and beliefs, which often clash with those of our parents. This is where the well-known generational gap begins to show itself.

At that tender age, however, we lack the emotional maturity to understand these differences in communication. Teenagers often perceive their parents as unfair, controlling, or overly strict. It can feel as though we are being forced into someone else’s version of life. Yet adolescence is one of the most formative stages of human development, and at that point, we rarely recognize that our parents are simply teaching us how to function in the world—using the only methods they know.

As adulthood approaches, something unexpected happens. We begin to notice that many of our attitudes, reactions, and behaviours closely resemble those of one or both of our parents. Even more unsettling is the realization that we may not like those similarities. We start asking deeper questions: Why do we act the way we do in relationships? Why do we repeat certain patterns at work, in friendships, and in life overall? After all, life is fundamentally about relationships.

This is where the journey becomes truly intriguing. At some point, many of us begin to feel that something is “wrong” with us. We may not understand why we behave in certain ways or hold specific beliefs about love, money, success, intimacy, or gender roles. In search of answers, some people turn to therapy, self-development programs, or spiritual teachings to uncover the root of these patterns.

We’ve all heard stories of partners—male or female—who struggle to emotionally separate from their parents. In these cases, unresolved parental influences silently enter romantic relationships, often leading to conflict or even divorce. What appears to be one partner speaking is, in reality, the subconscious voice of a parent expressing itself. These behaviours persist simply because they were never brought into conscious awareness.

With greater self-awareness, we begin to understand an essential truth: there is nothing inherently wrong with us. Much of what we carry is learned programming—deeply embedded patterns formed over years and stored in the subconscious mind. These patterns surface repeatedly throughout our lives, often without our permission.

It’s important to clarify something here. Our parents did the best they could with the knowledge and emotional tools they had at the time. They, too, were shaped by the conditioning passed down from their own parents. This cycle has existed for generations. There is no blame and no fault—only understanding.

When this realization settles in, compassion naturally arises. We begin to see our parents as human beings with unrealized potential—individuals who carried gifts and qualities that were never fully expressed because they didn’t know how. Many of those traits remained buried, unacknowledged, and unhealed.   At this point, the love we have always had for them, becomes deeper.  It is a new kind of love. Pure and with not judgement. It is a liberating kind of love.

In previous generations, seeking professional help was often stigmatized. Therapy was reserved for those deemed “broken,” so many people lived their entire lives burdened by limiting beliefs and unresolved emotional wounds. These internal barriers prevented them from becoming who they truly could have been.

At the heart of it all lies one of the greatest challenges: many people never learned how to truly love themselves. This lack of self-love is perhaps the most damaging limitation anyone can carry.

And this is where the pattern continues. Many of our parents’ beliefs—especially the limiting ones—were passed down to us unconsciously. Simply by observing how they interacted with themselves, with each other, and with the world, we absorbed those behaviours as normal. Over time, they became part of us, both the strengths and the restrictions.

We often feel closer to one parent than the other. Interestingly, it is usually the parent with whom we experience the most conflict who offers us the greatest lessons. In my own life, this has been true with my mother. It took years of emotional work to understand that her pain and struggles were not mine to carry. I eventually realized that my desire for her to change stemmed from my own unmet need—to have the mother I wished for, not the one she was able to be.

Today, I see her through a different lens. She remains trapped in the wounds of her past, unable to move beyond them. And yet, I no longer take responsibility for that.

The truly empowering realization is this: we can choose differently. The first step is recognizing that these inherited patterns are not who we are. They were borrowed for survival during our early years, until we were mature enough to explore our true selves and develop awareness.

This is where transformation begins. Whether alone or with guidance, we start the process of self-discovery. I still remember the words of one of my teachers at the Barbara Brennan School of Healing, a place devoted to spiritual awakening. She once asked me, “What could be more beautiful than truly knowing ourselves—exploring our emotions and inner world?”

Those words have stayed with me.

When we begin to love ourselves, it feels like being reborn—with a fresh perspective and renewed freedom. We remain connected to our lineage and heritage, but now with awareness. We gain the ability to consciously choose which traits to carry forward and which ones to release.